1. Exchange Garrett Hedlund and Tyler Mane’s roles. Make Patroclus accurate, he’s not the cousin of Achiles, he’s his lover. As you’re going to dispose of Ajax, so fast, nobody would care is played by such an androginous, ephebic actor.
2. Get rid of Orlando Bloom. You could substitute him for a sock puppet, it’ll be better looking and at least the comedy of his performance would be self-conscious.
3. Fire Wolfgang Petersen for anything that isn’t the fights or epic scenery. Hire Tarantino to rewrite the dialogues and hire Chi Chi La Rue for the sex sequences (check out point 4)
4. Have the film to be historically accurate. Loads of hot, beary homosexual sex. Have Tyler Mane bareback Pitt. Pitt to rape Bana while killing him, Mantis style. Substitute all women in the film, quite disposable as characters, mostly, by sweet transvestites. Substitute Peter O’Toole by Ian McKellen. Brian Cox and Brendan Gleeson, please stay and enjoy.
5. Make the costumes historically accurate, so lots of ass and cock shots abound in the film.
6. Make the film NC17, not PG.
7. Final gang bang sequence on Paris’ ass, with all the main heroes ghosts going biblical on him. Maybe for that is not a good idea to have the sock puppet. If it has to be Bloom, no mimic, just make it hard enough so he considers to quit acting.
8. Did I mention hot, homosexual, beary, bearback, non-simulated sex?
9. Get a better explanation of the horse. It certainly is short, but ridiculous… Why Paris, all of the sudden, in the last third of film, is suddenly the ony intelligent person in Troy?
10. Destroy all previous cuts of the film, follow this instructions, or just pretend this crap wasn’t ever filmed.
0 out of 10.